On ICE Patriots: A Plan To Guard the Exit

As airports reach peak chaos amidst a government shutdown and massive departures by unpaid TSA agents, the regime’s evil idiots moved to resolve their new quagmire by sending in the same brutal, ill-trained, much-despised ICE goons who caused the shutdown – and whose past abuses and corruption now daily come to light. The Beckett-esque result: Images of cranky travelers standing up to six hours in hellish lines overseen by aimlessly loitering henchmen: “Nobody comes, nobody goes. It’s awful.”

Late-Stage-Capitalism-Calamity #764: We probably shouldn’t be surprised the dumbest president in history abetted by the dumbest people making the dumbest mistakes should have gotten around to wrecking America’s air travel after his “Derp State” already decimated all our other public endeavors, institutions and systems of governance – the economy and environment along with science, education, immigration, arts, health care, civil rights, criminal justice, international aid and foreign policy, which he brags he conducts by “speaking with myself, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

That must be why shameless GOP suck-ups just gave him another made-up award, after his FIFA and second-hand Nobel: a first-ever America First Award, per quivering Mike Johnson a “beautiful golden statue, appropriate for the new golden era in America,” a move widely deemed, “unbelievably, gaga cringe levels of pathetic.” Other takes on his new participation trophy: “This is the most snowflakiest president,” “He should get a ‘Most Mentions in Epstein Files Award,'” he got a “very special boy award” just for “insecure man baby presidents,” and, from facepalming MS Now hosts, “Stop! They did not make up another award for him!”

Out in the grim real world, the partial shutdown has left nearly 50,000 TSA agents, most living paycheck to paycheck on as little as $45,000 a year, working without pay for weeks. Nearly 500 have quit, thousands daily call in sick. Union officials say many are sleeping in cars at airports to save gas money, selling blood, taking 2nd or 3rd jobs, defaulting on loans, getting eviction notices, and struggling to afford food and gas: “They’re over their heads in debt.” Denver airport issued a “DONATIONS NEEDED!” plea for grocery or gas gift cards; Seattle opened a TSA food pantry; Chef Andrés’ World Central Kitchen, which usually feeds natural disaster victims in Third World countries, is serving hot meals at multiple airports because now we are one.

Meanwhile, per MLK’s famed moral arc of the universe, the past atrocities of ICE/DHS – that we watched, raged at and suspected – slowly see the damning light of day. Some are unsurprising, some “jaw-dropping,” all horrific. Conditions in detention centers remain “unbelievably inhumane.” Interviews and new data show ICE surges consistently hurt the cities they hit, disrupting lives and businesses, stretching thin police departments, leaving budgets and residents scrambling to absorb the fallout. The impact was less drastic in cities, counties, states that declared “ICE-free zones,” but they still left only damage in their baleful wake.

Many people and places are still fighting for due process. Minnesota A.G. Keith Ellison and other state officials just filed a federal suit in D.C. to force Trump and his goons to stop obstructing state investigators seeking to hold accountable the murderers of Renee Good and Alex Pretti, whose masked killers, inconceivably, remain unnamed. The suit demands stonewalling federal officials hand over records and evidence – including Good’s shrink-wrapped car in a storage facility – in the name of justice and their long history of cooperation. The DOJ’s Todd Blanche: “We investigate when it’s appropriate. That is not the case here.”

In another long-overdue quest for justice, 18 Venezuelan men, among at least 288 abducted from the US and trapped in El Salvador’s brutal CECOT prison last year without charges, have filed a petition before the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights (IACHR) demanding Salvador authorities be held accountable for a vast array of atrocities. They detail harrowing allegations of torture, sexual assault, medical neglect and sometimes daily beatings for 4 months that constitute what advocates term “a human rights catastrophe” – in a place where, victims say guards often boasted, “human rights did not exist.”

Concurrently, the American players behind these obscenities continue to be revealed as…obscenities. In a vile exit interview with the Times, Nazi wannabe and Miller soul bro Greg Bovino, who faces multiple lawsuits from civil rights groups, said he only wishes “I’d caught even more illegal aliens.” Bovino, who called immigrants “scum” and “trash” – pot/kettle – and argued “all illegal aliens are criminals,” said he sought “total border domination.” In his fever dreams, he wanted to deport 100 million people, far more than the number of undocumented immigrants; in surges, he’d declare, “This is our fucking city.” Not any more, shitstain.

Sadly, (not) his bosses are likewise on the decline. Former ICE Barbie, in her new LOL fake job as “Special Envoy to the Shield of the Americas,” faces likely investigations for defying court orders, gross mismanagement of DHS and much perjury, including her claim in Senate testimony that her eww-boyfriend Corey Lewandowski didn’t approve contracts, except for the multimillion ones he did, plus “success fees.” Also, it seems she’ll now report not to Rubio but a lowly lackey, and Lewandowski just got canned after photos posted by the US embassy in Guyana showed the pair in a “meeting” about “cartels,” aka enjoying a tropical getaway on our dime.

Finally, in a “genuine bombshell, even by Trumpian standards,” it turns out ICE lied for over a year to courts and prosecutors when they claimed a legal rationale for targeting and arresting thousands of asylum seekers at immigration courts. In court documents for a lawsuit brought by the New York Civil Liberties Union on behalf of one of over 90 cases tracked, ICE lawyers admitted an ICE memo they long cited to justify the arrests in fact gave them no authorization for them and did not apply to immigration courts. As to the incalculable damage done by ICE to those thousands of innocents, Seth Magaziner offered a reminder of all the savage rest.

So sure, brilliant move all around to inflict ICE on America’s airports, though they’re getting paid but TSA agents all around them aren’t, and a majority of the testy, trapped travelers already want to abolish them, and amidst the surreal packs of goons in “POLICE ICE” tactical vests, with handguns, radios, handcuffs, Tasers, extra magazines – but no masks – we haven’t seen a single image of any of them doing anything but aimlessly loitering – standing, sitting, gabbing, milling, strolling, drinking coffee, scrolling through phones. Mostly, says one TSA dispatch from JFK Airport, “They’re just standing – very uncomfortably, it seems like.”

Huh. Is it possible the Stable Genius, who knows more about everything than anyone, who when he attacked Iran didn’t view the Strait of Hormuz as a potential problem, who insists his imaginary talks with Iran are “going very well” – could it be this strategic mastermind didn’t think the whole ICE thing through clearly? Naaah, said dumb and dumber porcine lout Tom Homan, who assured CNN’s Dana Bash Sunday night of the wisdom of a plan in the works that would be ready Monday. If it’s a plan coming together in 24 hours, she asked, how well thought out could it possibly be? Cue a perfect snapshot of a perfect shitshow.

“How much of a plan does it mean (sic) to guard an exit to make sure no one comes through that exit?” Homan retorted. “These officers are well trained in security and well trained in identification. We’re just expanding the thing.” “So,” noted The Fucking News’ Jonathan Larsen. “No plan.” Also, “I’ll tell you how much of a plan it means! It means at least some of a plan, that’s how much of it means!” Also, Homan magically turned 24 hours into 2-3 weeks in ICE-ese, never mind ICE officers aren’t even well trained to do the job of ICE – terrorize brown people – let alone be well trained to pretend they’re well trained TSA officers.

Despite these deeply satisfying assurances, people had questions about a Strait-of-Hormuz, what-could-possibly-go-wrong plan to have armed, racist, ill-trained, dumb-and-dangerous-as-a-bag-of-hammers men roaming chaotic airports possibly facing a greater risk of terrorist threats during a Middle Eastern war without any clearly defined tasks. Is the plan to lock down all airports and round up people of color and anyone who resists? Will going through the wrong exit get you shot? Will ICE dress like they’re attacking Fallujah? Does ICE even know if we’re supposed to take off our belt or our shoes, and which one to beat us with?.

Will there be one ICE person at the exit and 12 more armed with a skin-tone chart to more accurately target victims? If someone doesn’t comply, which common ICE tactic will they use: a. Body slamming to the floor b. Tazing c. Non-lethal rounds into the eyes d. Shooting 9 times e. All of the above. Will ICE dress like a 16-year-old’s video game avatar, and if the plan begins in 24 hours will they have time to buy grown-up clothes? Does ICE know the long list of what you can/can’t bring on airplanes – tasers, brass knuckles, how much hand cream, which books will “require additional screening?” Orwell? Kafka? Epstein Files?

Will they argue that, “Fearing for his life and the lives of his fellow officers, our highly-trained agent fired defensive shots into the cockpit of the illegal alien pilot who was threateningly taxiing towards them, clearly attempting to ram the airport?” How will Bannon’s “test run for the midterm elections” fare? Will newly, inexplicably confirmed DHS head Markwayne Mullin really “be fighting 365 days” beside workers not being paid “because of political politics,” and why does he have two first names? Will ICE heed the jittery traveler who begged one, “Stop following us, please. Stop following us. Stop following us. Please.”

A TSA union head said he’s unsure how ICE is helping; so far, he’s seen some “give out bad directions” that ended in the parking area. Some workers say they’re creating “a vibe of anxiety… Putting untrained personnel at security checkpoints does not fill a gap. It creates one.” And crises have arisen. Long lines delayed investigators going to Sunday’s fatal collision at LaGuardia Airport. A viral video showed ICE thugs at San Francisco, reportedly tipped off by TSA, detain a Guatemala-born woman and her crying daughter as other travelers protested. DHS claimed they had an order of removal that pre-dated the airport deployment, but city and state officials reiterated, “ICE is not welcome in San Francisco.”

In Philadelphia, where about half the airport’s TSA checkpoints are open, city and labor leaders blasted the ICE presence as “political theater” that creates a hostile environment while TSA agents, over half people of color, work “day in, day out without pay.” It also enrages other union workers who’ve seen relatives deported: “Trump has broken everything.” DA Larry Krasner threatened to jail ICE agents if they “make it look anything like what you did in the streets of Minneapolis.” “This is how it works,” he said. “You commit crimes within (our) jurisdiction, I prosecute you…I will put you in handcuffs…in a courtroom, and if necessary, in a jail cell…And no, I don’t take a phone call from the president saying ‘Let em go.’ The president cannot pardon you.”

The president, as usual, has waffled, balked and veered through the airport crisis: Blaming Dems who “want our Country to fail,” insisting “no deal” until they support his Save America (sic) voter suppression bill, mindlessly menacing, “NO MORE WAITING, NO MORE GAMES!”, pivoting to how he might “look at” a deal but whatever it is “I’m pretty much not happy with it.” Maybe simply to trigger Dems, he’s praised the unfairly maligned “beautiful patriots of ICE” who are “so proud to be there!” Though they’re hated and are doing nothing, “The Public is loving ICE.” Also, bewilderingly, “They just happen to have much larger and harder muscles than most.” Umm.

Amidst America’s carnage, ICE in airports is still surreal enough to inspire parody. From Colbert, an ICE meterology report. From The Daily Show, ICE PreCheck (with handcuffs) that speeds you through airport security: “Just pull up to the curb and a friendly masked agent will drag you by your hair directly to your gate…We choose your destination,” like South Sudan. Back at the real, stressed, 6-hour-line airport, it’s unclear what if any impact the roaming ICE gangs have except adding to the anxiety. Houston – Heaven, Hell, or Houston – has the highest numbers of TSA callouts. The smaller William Hobby Airport has 43%, George Bush International has almost 40%, and is, writes Hunter Lazzaro, “Hell.”

“We found it,” he declares. Hell is an hours-long line snaking through a dirty never-ending corridor, “carrying your luggage along, an inch at a time, staring at the backs of hundreds of other damned souls all carrying their own luggage.” The hallway “extends to eternity.” On bad speakers, Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA “plays forever. It never ends.” On monitors, Kristi Noem “drones on about immigrants and the greatness of your nation.” Sometimes, “packs of ICE agents wander by. Their job is guns.” “The long hallway is the most patriotic place in the whole of the country.” “There are no planes. There is no runway. There is no Terminal C. You will never reach the security checkpoint, because it is an illusion…an image painted on fog….Houston’s Guernica…And the goddamn Lee Greenwood song is still playing. It should have ended by now. It should have ended yesterday…What day is it? Where were we going?… Eternal banality. God Bless the USA.

“You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.” – The Unnamable by Samuel Beckett

ICE agents at “work” in airports Cartoon from Imgur